The New Adventures of Newt Scamander
by The Parody Master
Summary: That dastardly Grindelwald is on the loose again, so join Newt and his fantastic beasts in their all-new adventures!
1. The New Crimes of Grindelwald

High in the mountains of some country, the evil wizard Grindelwald was holding a meeting with his top followers. You could tell he was evil because there were no refreshments. By the way, his followers were called Death Eaters because it turns out Grindelwald used that name first. This is canon now.

"Blast that Newt Scamander!" he snarled, slamming his fist on the table. "He and those fantastic beasts of his have made a fool out of me for the last time!"

"What are we going to do about it?" asked Credence angstily.

"Well, we'll just have to kill him before he can foil another of our diabolical schemes," said Grindelwald. "At this point, it's practically self-defense."

"Yes, and then we'll finally be able to move on to our grand plan," agreed Vinda Rosier.

"You mean winning Jacob back?" asked Queenie.

"Uh... sure," Vinda lied nefariously.

"Wait, I've got it!" declared Grindelwald. "We'll capture an ancient weapon that will enable us to destroy Newt Scamander and his precious beasts for good. The world has dismissed it as a myth, but soon we will possess... the Toenail of Icklibõgg!"


	2. Newt's Mission

Meanwhile, in the really cool basement of a really boring house, Newt Scamander was taking care of the fantastic beasts to which he had dedicated his life. At the moment, he was feeding his chipodile, which was a cross between a chipmunk and a crocodile. For some reason, it ate only calzones.

"What drives you to collect these beasts?" asked Jacob, the fat Muggle who randomly lived in Newt's house.

Heroically, Newt thought it over. "I want to be the very best," he said eventually, "like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause."

"But where will you find them?" asked Jacob sidekickly.

"I will travel across the land," explained Newt as he walked over to feed his oxagroo, a cross between an ox and a kangaroo, "searching far and wide each beast to understand the power that's inside."

Jacob shrugged. "Gotta catch em' all, I guess."

Suddenly, some forgettable character entered the room. It was Newt's assistant Bunty, who it turns out is actually a young Molly Weasley. This is canon now.

"Newt, I need some help," she said. "There's this bizarre weirdo at your door."

"Oh, that's Dumbledore," explained Newt. "Let him in."


	3. A Terrible New Danger

Before long, Newt was meeting with Dumbledore in the sitting room. Dumbledore was wearing a sombrero and a poncho because it turns out Dumbledore has been Mexican all along and it just hasn't been mentioned. This is canon now.

"Hola, amigo," said Dumbledore. "I bring terrible news. Grindelwald and his Death Eaters are going after the Toenail of Icklibõgg."

"The Toenail of Icklibõgg?" asked Newt. "But I thought that was a myth, like the Mystic Kettle of Nackeldirk!"

Dumbledore shook his head. "I assure you, the Toenail of Icklibõgg is very real, as is the Mystic Kettle of Nackeldirk."

"But if Grindelwald finds the Toenail of Icklibõgg, he'll be able to destroy all the fantastic beasts in the world!"

"That's exactly his plan," said Dumbledore. "After that, he'll destroy all Muggles and then all people with outie belly buttons."

"He must be stopped!" Newt declared heroically. "What must I do?"

"Simple," Dumbledore answered wisely. "Find the Toenail of Icklibõgg first and destroy it. You and Jacob will head to the Ministry, where you'll meet up with Tina."

"Hey, why don't I go on the adventure this time while the Muggle stays here?" Bunty suggested because she had a HILARIOUS crush on Newt. "Wouldn't that make more sense? I did get O's in all my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s, you know."

"Bunty," said Newt, turning to look her in the eye.

"Yes..." she said expectantly, anxiously gripping her hands together as she gazed deeply into Newt's awesomely handsome eyes.

"Go tell Jacob to pack his things so he can leave with me. Oh, and remember to feed the flobberworms while we're out."


	4. Newt Explains It All

And so, Newt and Jacob set off for the Ministry of Magic. Rather than use Floo powder to go directly to Tina's office, they walked down the streets of London, talking about their top-secret mission in full view of various onlookers and potential eavesdroppers. However, the streets of London looked really moody and atmospheric, so I think we can all agree they made the right decision here.

"I don't understand," said Jacob, after Newt had explained the situation. "How could this one toenail destroy all the fantastic beasts?"

Newt sighed. "Well, it's a long backstory. Would you like it explained in a lengthy, overly dramatic way that's still very confusing?"

"Okay!" Jacob agreed cheerfully.

With that, Newt went on to explain the history of Jupiter Icklibõgg, a Dark Wizard who came to hate all fantastic beasts as a result of stepping on a Doxy one time. Newt didn't even get around to that part for quite a while, instead covering Icklibõgg's entire family tree, dating back to his great-great-grandfather, Silas Icklibõgg. Newt made sure to load this story up with plenty of extraneous details, focusing particularly on the time the various family members spent at Hogwarts because we're all nostalgic for adventures at Hogwarts. At the same time, he left huge gaping holes in the narrative that made it impossible to follow. And at the end of all that, he didn't even explain how Icklibõgg's toenail was imbued with such awesome powers, which you'd think would have been the whole point of the story.

Needless to say, Jacob was more confused than ever after hearing this "explanation," but didn't want to say so because he was afraid it would make him look stupid. Besides, Newt was giving him what he asked for, more or less, and he didn't want to appear ungrateful. Thus, Jacob just kept nodding along as though he understood what Newt was jabbering on about. By the way, it turns out Jacob has autism. This is canon now.

Anyway, they had arrived at the Ministry by this point.


	5. Newt and Tina's Issues

Newt and Jacob headed up to Tina's office. Although she was an American, she was currently working for the British Ministry because it turns out they have an exchange Auror program with MACUSA. This is canon now. Anyway, Tina was also Newt's on/off girlfriend. At the moment, they were very much "off."

"DAMN YOU, MR. SCAMANDER!" she shrieked, chucking a random vase at him as he entered the room.

" _Protego_ ," said Newt, and the vase shattered against his magical shield.

"What was _that_ about?" asked Jacob, slightly dazed.

"He knows what he did!" Tina replied tsunderely.

"The jellyfish was not my fault," said Newt, with obvious sexual tension.

"Maybe," Tina conceded, "but the pineapple sure was!"

"But it was a _really_ big pineapple. What was I _supposed_ to do?"

"You could have kept your pants on, at least!"

"That part was Bunty's idea. I'm sure she had a good reason."

"Uh, could someone tell me what this is about?" asked Jacob.

"Shut up, Jacob!" yelled Tina.

"Oookay then," he said.


	6. Tina Delivers Some Exposition

"Is there a problem in here?" asked a seemingly inconsequential character, peeking into the room.

"No problem," said Tina, calming down. "I was just about to tell Mr. Scamander about our mission."

"Who are you?" Newt asked the newcomer.

"Mole McTraitor," the man answered as he stepped into an inconspicuous corner. "Just pretend I'm not here while you discuss your top-secret mission from Dumbledore."

"All right then," said Tina. "Mr. Scamander, I requested you on this assignment because I'll need your help to deal with the dreadful beasts of the African jungle."

"The beasts of the African jungle are _not_ dreadful!" Newt yelled indignantly. "And they are not ours to just 'deal with' either!" To that, Tina rolled her eyes. By the way, it turns out Tina is a demigirl. This is canon now.

"So, this toenail thing is in Africa then?" asked Jacob.

"Oh, no one knows where the Toenail of Icklibõgg is," Tina replied. "What we're going after here is the first clue. The Ministry has learned that this clue is in a lost city deep in the Congo. This is top-secret information that must never fall into the hands of Grindelwald."

"I'll make sure to _not_ tell him," said Mole in a seemingly trustworthy voice. "By the way, I have to go to the bathroom now." With that, he ran out of the room.

"Is there some reason we're bringing the No-Maj along?" asked Tina. "What could he possibly contribute?"

"Dumbledore said to bring him," said Newt. "And if we question Dumbledore, we're no better than Grindelwald, basically."

Tina sighed. "Fine, whatever," she said. "Let's just go."


	7. The Quest of Credence

Meanwhile, in the mountains outside Grindelwald's headquarters, Credence was so overcome with emotion about being on the path to discovering his identity that it compelled him to sing epically about his entire situation. All the while, he ran around the spectacular landscape, and twirled as though he were wearing a flowing dress.

"Oh, I must know who I truly am, and this is more important than jam," sang Credence, who was not good at improvising lyrics on the spot.

"Is the singing really necessary?" asked Vinda, who had been tasked with watching him. She had already thrown up twice due to his nauseating lyrics.

"Is this where I truly belong?" he sang. "Are these the people I should be among?" And then, Vinda's ears bled from hearing that painful forced rhyme.

Suddenly, a Patronus snake flew up to where they were because it turns out Grindelwald has a Patronus even though Snape was the only Death Eater to have a Patronus. This is canon now.

"I need you both to come back inside," the Patronus said in the voice of Grindelwald. "We've just received some valuable new information about the Toenail of Icklibõgg."

"Finally, the singing will be over!" said Vinda, but Credence only continued to sing as he skipped down to Grindelwald's random castle.

"Is this truly my destiny?" he sang. "Is Grindelwald right about my pedigree? Am I Dumbledore's brother, or someone other?"

"SHUT UP!" Vinda shrieked. "SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE TWERP!"

"Oh, why doesn't Vinda seem to like me?" he sang. "After all, I have no problems with she!"

"All right, that does it!" said Vinda, raising her wand. " _Oscausi!_ "


	8. Credence's New Dream

Grindelwald was waiting for his followers in the same conference room they used in the first chapter, which saved us the expense of building a new set. Vinda and Credence were the first to arrive for the meeting.

"Vinda, what have you done to Aurelius?!" demanded Grindelwald when he saw Credence's mouth was gone.

"Trust me, this is an improvement," Vinda insisted. By the way, it turns out she later becomes Harry's owl Hedwig. This is canon now.

" _Finite Incantatem!_ " said Grindelwald, raising his wand.

No sooner had Credence's mouth reappeared, it uttered the words, "I'd prefer to be called Credence, actually."

"Did you hear that?" asked Vinda. "The boy wants to be known by his filthy Muggle name!"

"Vinda," said Grindelwald in a warning tone, "we're not going to abuse this sensitive young lad the way he was abused by that horrid Muggle woman who cared for him in New York. We're here to make all his dreams come true. If you want to randomly torture someone, that's what Abernathy is for!"

"Speaking of which," said Credence, "I do have a new dream. I mean, in addition to finding out where I came from."

"What is it, my son?" asked Grindelwald, with a creepy smile that was supposed to look fatherly.

"I've realized that I don't want to just be lonely and confused," said Credence. "Instead, I want to sing songs about how lonely and confused I am."

"You mean like some kind of... _musician_?" asked Vinda in disgust.

"Yes, that's the word!" Credence agreed. "I want to be a musician now!"

" _Then that's what I'll help you do_ ," said Grindelwald through gritted teeth, his smile now looking very forced.

" _After_ we find the Toenail of Icklibõgg," added Vinda, as the rest of the Death Eaters entered the room.


	9. Grindelwald Holds Another Meeting

"My vile compatriots," Grindelwald began as soon as everyone was seated, "I am pleased to report that our spy in the Ministry has informed me that the first clue leading to the Toenail of Icklibõgg is in the Congo." Grindelwald didn't say who the traitor was because that's meant to be a surprise. Could it be Tina or even our hero Newt? You'll just have to keep reading to find out!

"How will we use the Toenail to destroy Scamander?" asked Vinda eagerly. "You know it only works on fantastic beasts."

"Simple," Grindelwald answered. "Once we've killed all the fantastic beasts in the world, Scamander will have nothing to live for anymore, and he'll commit suicide."

"How deviously brilliant, my Liege!" Vinda simpered. "I can't wait to see him cry over the loss of his stupid critters!"

"Do we really have to kill _all_ the fantastic beasts?" asked Queenie. "That seems a bit extreme for getting me and Jacob back together. Besides, I do like the Nifflers."

"Are you just going to keep complaining about this stuff forever?" Grindelwald asked irritably. "Honestly, this is like the first time I ordered you to kill a Muggle all over again!"

"Why is Newt Scamander fighting against us anyway?" asked Credence. "He seemed like such a nice guy when I met him in New York."

"Well, sometimes people who seem nice are actually evil," said Grindelwald. "And when I say that, I am talking about Newt Scamander, and _not_ myself," he quickly added.

"I didn't think you were talking about yourself," said Credence.

"Well, just to be clear, I wasn't," said Grindelwald iniquitously. By the way, it turns out even Grindelwald wasn't evil enough to be opposed to vaccines. This is canon now.


	10. Newt's New Adventure Begins

Meanwhile, Newt, Tina, and Jacob were standing on a dock, preparing to board the ship that would take them away on their exciting new quest. Nagini was also coming, but no one noticed because she doesn't contribute anything to this story anyway.

"Antio sas," said Dumbledore, who was wearing a laurel wreath because it turns out Dumbledore has been Greek all along and it just hasn't been mentioned. This is canon now.

"Come with us," said Newt. "We'll find that lost city in no time with your help."

Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. He wished he could go with them, but unfortunately we didn't have the budget to pay Jude Law that kind of money.

"All right then," said Newt valiantly, "I guess it's up to us to thwart Grindelwald's evil plot and save the world's fantastic beasts from utter destruction!" And with those stirring words, our heroic heroes set off on their adventurous adventure to African Africa.

"Mr. Scamander, you understand this expedition will be _purely_ professional," said Tina as they walked up the ship's ramp.

"Oh, I'm counting on that," Newt replied.

"Don't get your hopes up that we'll be getting back together again because we won't!" she insisted.

"As if I'd want to get back together with you."

"I'm just saying it's not happening, Mister!"

"It better not be happening!"

"Well good, because it's _not_!"

"Tina, I can assure you that it's really, _really_ not happening!"

"You can't even begin to imagine how much it's not happening, _Mr. Scamander_!"

"Oh, will you two get a room!" said Jacob.


	11. Arrival in Banana

And so, the indomitable steamer carrying our plucky heroes sailed down to the Belgian Congo in one of those cool travel montages with a line moving across a map. They arrived at the seaport of Banana, and yes, that's a real place. Google it.

Anyway, Newt, Tina, Jacob, and Nagini disembarked from their ship and headed into town. Despite being in the tropics, the place looked cold and bleak, with no local color whatsoever and all the men wearing gray suits for some reason. However, this made the story seem dark and edgy, so you must agree it was the right choice creatively.

"So, how are we going to find this lost city?" asked Jacob, who had apparently not thought to ask that question at any point during their entire voyage.

Unfortunately, it turned out no one else had thought of that either. Just as they were wondering what to do, Newt's Niffler got loose somehow and started running towards the place where the plot needed them to be. Said place was a nearby wizarding bar full of various wacky patrons, including both Belgian and Congolese wizards. It turns out wizards never did colonialism, so the Belgian and Congolese wizards were all friends. And if you're wondering whether Muggle-born Congolese wizards are okay with the way Belgian Muggles treat Congolese Muggles, you're going to keep wondering that because it's never explained. This is canon now.

Anyway, no sooner had Newt caught his Niffler again, he spotted a certain man sitting at the bar. Newt froze heroically. The man at the bar was none other than his nemesis, the evil beast hunter Gunnar Grimmson!


	12. Newt Confronts Grimmson

"What are you doing here?" asked Newt as he stuffed his Niffler back in his suitcase. By the way, it turns out Newt's Niffler later becomes Mad-Eye Moody. This is canon now.

"Hunting beasts, just like you," Grimmson answered despicably.

"You're nothing like me!" Newt spat heroically. "You hunt beasts to kill them!"

"And yet, both our jobs are about to become obsolete," said Grimmson. "No doubt you've heard that Grindelwald is going after the Toenail of Icklibõgg. Unlike you, I will be happy to see my line of work disappear."

"How can you say that?" asked Newt. "Do you not realize how much we wizards rely on fantastic beasts? Why, we couldn't even make wands without phoenix feathers, unicorn hairs, and so on. I'd think that'd be something pure-blood fanatics like you would care about."

"Oh, Scamander," said Grimmson with an evil grin, "you lack vision. Once all the unicorns are dead, we'll be able to take all their hairs at once and make all the wands we'll ever need. We'll even be able to harvest all the unicorn blood, and sell it on an industrial scale. We could call it Immortium. Just imagine the possibilities!"

"If you're on board with Grindelwald wiping out the fantastic beasts, why are you even still hunting them?"

"For the challenge, of course. This could be my last chance to bag a real Mokele-mbembe. You know they live right here in the Congo."

"So, you hear that Grindelwald will be wiping out all the fantastic beasts in the world and your only concern is that this is your last chance to kill them for pleasure?!" asked Newt in disgust.

"And money," Grimmson agreed cheerfully.


	13. Newt Faces a Terrible Dilemma

"Why, if you really think that way," said Newt, his ears pounding with fury, "then you're just a great big meanie!" It turns out Newt avoided all swearing because he was so nice and wholesome. This is canon now.

"I don't have to take this," replied Grimmson, getting up from the bar. "Goodbye, Scamander." With that, he Disapparated.

"We must stop Grimmson!" said Newt, turning to Tina. "The Mokele-mbembe is extremely rare, and close to extinction!"

"We don't have time for side missions, Mr. Scamander," she said. "We must stop Grindelwald at all costs!"

"I will not allow the Mokele-mbembe to go extinct when I could have stopped it!" Newt insisted gallantly.

"Have you forgotten that ALL fantastic beasts will go extinct if we fail to stop Grindelwald?"

Newt sighed. He had indeed forgotten about that. Still, he couldn't sacrifice all the Mokele-mbembes "for the greater good." That would make him no different from Grindelwald, and that would be very bad!

"We must look for the lost city, Mr. Scamander," said Tina, with mounting sexual tension.

"And we will... in the swamps where the Mokele-mbembes live," agreed Newt, leaning in as though he were about to kiss her, but then he didn't because that would ruin all the delightful sexual tension.

"Well, I - I suppose it could be there," said Tina, blushing tsunderely. "We might as well go check it out, right?"


	14. That Crazy Bridge

And so, our plucky heroes ventured deep into the Congolese jungle, which looked a lot like some Hawaiian national park because we sure as hell weren't going to film this in the DRC. Newt led the way, followed by Tina and Jacob. Nagini was also there, but the others still hadn't noticed her redundant presence. Suddenly, they came upon one of those crazy rope bridges that every jungle seems to have.

"I ain't crossin' that," said Jacob in a wacky comic-relief voice. By the way, it turns out Jacob has an anxiety disorder. This is canon now.

"C'mon, it's perfectly safe," Tina insisted, and with that, she feministly led the way onto the bridge.

"Hey, wait!" said Newt, following after her with Jacob and the rest behind him. "You should not go first. It could be dangerous."

"In case you've forgotten, Mr. Scamander, I am an Auror!" said Tina, using her strength as a cover for her true feelings, which, just to be clear, were feelings of a romantic nature.

"Oh, I only wish I could forget your choice of profession," answered Newt, engaging in antagonistic banter rather than admitting that he was worried about Tina's safety because he _liked_ her. Yes, in _that_ way.

"I don't have to take this!"

"You do if you want my help."

"Not more of this," Jacob grumbled. "At least it turns out the bridge is safe." And then, he stepped on a bridge plank that broke.


	15. Jacob Falls Down

"HELP ME!" screamed Jacob, now clutching onto the bridge for dear life.

"Jacob!" Newt gasped as he ran forward heroically to save his loyal friend. He bumped into Nagini a little as he dived for Jacob, but he still didn't notice she was there.

"Help me, I don't know how to swim!" yelled Jacob, as though knowing how to swim would even make a difference after a fall from that height.

"Don't worry, Jacob, I've got you!" said Newt, grasping Jacob's hand rather than using magic because then the plot wouldn't work. But it wasn't enough! Jacob was falling and taking Newt with him!

"Newt - I mean, Mr. Scamander!" yelled Tina, accidentally revealing her true, very first-name-basis feelings for Newt. By the way, it turns out Tina favors a mixed-economy welfare-state system and so should you. This is canon now.

Anyway, Newt and Jacob fell in the river.

"Great, now I'm alone in this jungle all by myself," said Tina, still not noticing that Nagini was there.


	16. Newt and Jacob Wash Ashore

Several miles downstream, Newt and Jacob washed ashore. Not only were they completely uninjured, they were only dampened with some token water that will disappear after a few shots. Hopefully, you'll forget that they're supposed to be wet by then.

"Follow me, I hear something," said Newt. He heroically climbed up a ledge while Jacob followed sidekickly. When they got to the top, they saw a giant, long-necked reptile stomping through the jungle.

"That's a dinosaur," said Jacob.

"It's not a dinosaur," Newt replied. "It's a Mokele-mbembe."

"Well, it looks like a dinosaur to me."

"Typical Muggle misconception," Newt muttered under his breath as he scrambled over the ledge. By the way, it turns out that Mokele-mbembes were involved in the Battle of Hogwarts even though this has literally never been mentioned before. This is canon now.

"All right, it's not a dinosaur," said Jacob as he made it over the ledge himself. "Now how exactly are we going to protect it from Grimmson?"

"How indeed," said a sinister voice. It was Grimmson pointing his wand at Newt and Jacob!


	17. Grimmson Gloats

"You know, I have one of those too," said Newt, taking out his wand.

" _Expelliarmus!_ " said Grimmson. With that, Newt's wand went flying before he even had a chance to aim it.

"Nice going," Jacob muttered.

"I'm glad to have you here, Scamander," Grimmson said evilly. "Now, you will watch helplessly as I score the biggest kill of my blood-soaked career. I can only hope that I'll also get to see your dumb face when Grindelwald uses the Toenail of Icklibõgg on all the world's fantastic beasts!"

"You discuss that with Grindelwald at your last get-together?" asked Newt.

"Yes, we get together for tea and Exploding Snap every other Thursday," Grimmson replied in a sarcastic tone of voice. In fact, that was exactly how they went about it. This is canon now.

"I won't let you hurt that Mokele-mbembe!" Newt declared gallantly.

"You aren't going to have a choice in the matter," replied Grimmson, raising his wand.

"We'll see about that, Grimmson!" yelled a brave feminist voice. They all looked up and saw Tina swinging in on a vine. Nagini followed, but Tina still hadn't noticed she was there.


	18. Tina Versus Grimmson

"Watch out for that tree!" said Newt, Jacob, and even Grimmson in unison.

Fortunately, Tina missed the tree and landed elegantly on the ground with her wand aimed at Grimmson. However, Nagini smacked into the tree, but no one noticed because she's a pointless character.

"It's over, Grimmson!" declared Tina. "We have you outnumbered three to one!" Of course, it was actually four to one, but... well...

"There may indeed be three of you," said Grimmson, not noticing Nagini either, "but only one of you has a wand, and the one who does is just a girl!"

"Just a girl?" Tina repeated. "Don't get a big head, Grimmson. _Engorgio Skullus!_ "

Grimmson's head swelled up. " _Melofors!_ " he replied.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Newt, diving in front of the spell. It hit him, and his head turned into a pumpkin!

You might think this would be a great time for Nagini to use her snake power, but frankly, even we've forgotten she's in the story at this point.

" _Anteoculatia!_ " said Grimmson. Newt tried to dive in front of that spell as well, but he couldn't see with the pumpkin over his head. The spell hit Tina, and she grew antlers. Grimmson laughed evilly as he sauntered up to her.

" _Diminuendo!_ " said Tina. The spell shrunk Grimmson small enough for Tina to crush him under her foot. He had no choice but to turn and run.

"You may have won this round, woman," said Grimmson, his voice now hilariously high-pitched, "but I'll be back!" And with that, he Disapparated.

By the way, it turns out that even Grimmson wasn't evil enough to not care about climate change. This is canon now.


	19. Pumpkin Problems

"Say, what's that?" asked Jacob, pointing at a collection of ancient buildings in the distance.

"I don't know, there's a pumpkin on my head," said Newt, his voice echoing. "Tina, do you know the counter-curse?"

"I don't know..." she said uncertainly. "Your real head might fall off if I get it wrong."

"Well, we don't want that!" said Jacob, making a hilarious comic-relief face.

"Could you give me some eye holes at least?" asked Newt.

Tina considered it. "I suppose I could use _Diffindo_ , but that would also sever your face. Maybe if you hit me with a Weakening Hex, the Severing Charm would only be strong enough to cut through the pumpkin. Of course, you would have to jinx me without being able to see me."

"Or we could use this," said Jacob, holding up a knife. It turned out Jacob always carried a knife with him in case there was a baking emergency. This is canon now.

"Oh, right," said Tina, taking the knife. "You know, you can actually be very wise in your simple No-Maj ways."

"Thanks... I guess..." Jacob replied.

Now with eye holes in his pumpkin, Newt turned in the direction that Jacob had pointed. "Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky, I think that's the lost city! You did it, Jacob!"


	20. The Lost City

And so, our intrepid voyagers entered the really expensive "lost city" set at Leavesden Studios. Or at least everyone except Tina entered. She still had the antlers Grimmson had cursed her with, and they got stuck in the doorway.

"Could you two help me in?" she said to Newt, Jacob, and Nagini. All three took her arm and pulled her through, but she still didn't notice Nagini was there.

" _Lumos_ ," said Newt, and his wand lit up. By the way, it turns out that his wand also contains a phoenix feather from Fawkes. This is canon now.

"What do we do now?" Jacob asked sidekickly.

"Follow me," Newt replied with heroic resolve, the effect somewhat ruined by having a pumpkin on his head. "The clue we seek will be at the very center of the city."

And with valiant valor, noble Newt and his courageous cohorts tirelessly trekked through perilous passageways, continuous corridors, charming chambers, and roundish rooms. After carefully climbing a sinister staircase, they excitedly entered the celebrated center of the lost city, which unfortunately did not have an alliterative adjective attached to it.


	21. The Lost Tomb of the Lost City

As Newt, Jacob, Tina, and Nagini entered the center of the lost city, they saw it was a dark room in which there wasn't much light. It appeared to be a tomb.

"It appears to be a tomb," Newt said for the benefit of anyone in the audience who hadn't already figured out that it appeared to be a tomb. "But for who?"

"You mean, 'for what,'" said Tina, ducking to get through the door with her antlers. "Look at the size of that sarcophagus. This wasn't for a human."

"Oh, so only humans are considered 'whos?'" Newt replied heroically. "Every other creature on this planet is a 'what?' You know, that attitude is just one step short of considering Muggles to be 'whats.'"

"What?" asked Jacob.

"Forget it," said Tina, and then she turned to open the sarcophagus. She tried _Alohomora_ , _Bombarda_ , and, for some reason, _Expecto Patronum_. None of them worked, especially not _Expecto Patronum_.

"Pickett, see if you can get that open," said Newt, keeping his fantastic beasts relevant to the story.

Pickett leapt out of Newt's pocket and onto the sarcophagus. He then climbed inside of it and did something to make it open up. By the way, it turns out that Pickett later becomes Cedric Diggory. This is canon now.


	22. The Lost Sarcophagus of the Lost Tomb

As they pulled the sarcophagus open, our wholesome heroes saw the fearsome body of a giant bull-headed creature.

"It's a minotaur," said Newt, "and it was killed brutally. These are very rare. I can't believe they would kill one just for a clue."

"Well, we are talking about someone who wanted to wipe out all the fantastic beasts," Tina pointed out.

"Say, if that was his goal," said Jacob, "why didn't he just use his weapon right away instead of hiding it with a series of clues?"

"Would you like me to explain that?" asked Newt.

"NO! No, that's fine!" said Jacob, remembering what had happened the last time Newt had tried to explain part of the backstory. By the way, it turns out Jacob has dementia. This is canon now.

"Now, let's see here..." said Newt, pondering gallantly, "minotaurs live on the island of Crete. Therefore, that must be the location of the next clue."

"That's good to know," said an evil voice behind them.

Newt, Jacob, Tina, and Nagini all spun around and gasped in perfect unison. Grindelwald himself was standing right there in the entrance of the tomb!


	23. Grindelwald Discovers Newt's Secret

"Grindelwald!" they all exclaimed.

The evil wizard smiled abhorrently. "I must thank all three of you for bringing me one step closer to the Toenail of Icklibõgg," he said, not noticing Nagini was there. Then his eyes turned to Newt. "That pumpkin disguise is clever, I'll give you that. But not clever enough! I still know it's you, Scamander!"

"Who's 'Scamander?'" asked Newt. "My name is... Mr. Pumpkin." Tina facepalmed.

"That brilliant alias does not fool me!" Grindelwald declared. "Besides, your voice sounds like Scamander's."

"I think you'll find that my voice is a little more echoey than Scamander's. I mean... what does Scamander's voice sound like? I have no idea as I've never met... what is Scamander's gender identity anyway?"

"He/him," said Grindelwald. It turns out even Grindelwald wasn't evil enough to misgender someone. This is canon now.

"You see, I simply know nothing at all about this 'Scamander' person," declared Newt. "Is he a person? I don't even know that much!"

Gritting his teeth evilly, Grindelwald lobbed the counter-curse at Newt, causing the pumpkin to explode and leave Newt's normal head exposed. Newt smiled sheepishly.

"Are you also going to undo the curse Grimmson put on Tina?" asked Jacob, gesturing to Tina's antlers.

"Why? Is something different about her?" Grindelwald asked haughtily. "She looks the same to me."


	24. An Unexpected Twist

"Okay, Grindelwald," said Tina in a strong feminist voice, "how did you find us?"

The iniquitous sorcerer's vile smile widened maliciously. "You were betrayed."

"By who?!" gasped Newt, wondering who would do such a thing. He didn't consider that he and Jacob might have been overheard when they were openly discussing their top-secret mission in the streets because that was done for aesthetic reasons and wasn't really part of the plot.

Anyway, Grindelwald stepped aside and revealed Mole McTraitor! Newt, Jacob, Tina, and Nagini were all shocked by this unexpected twist. Mole was such a seemingly unimportant character that they had completely forgotten about him, let alone considered that his brief appearance might be an important plot point.

"Mole McTraitor!" gasped Tina. "Who would've thought that you'd turn out to be a mole and a traitor?"

"I did it for money," said Mole, grinning despicably. "And let me tell you, it turns out money is pretty awesome. Do you realize that if you joined him, you could have money too?" It turns out Grindelwald got rich from subscriptions to his daily newsletter about cooking authentic New Orleans gumbo. This is canon now.

"We don't want money," Newt replied ethically.

"Excellent!" said Mole, rubbing his hands together. "Could I have some of your money then?"

"That's not what I meant, Mole!"


	25. Our Heroes are Captured

"I must commend you, Scamander," said Grindelwald, "I could not have found the first clue without you. Now, you and your friends will lead me to the next one and be greatly rewarded with chocolate treats!"

"We will NOT!" Newt responded with dauntless courage and a little regret that he wouldn't get any of that sweet chocolate.

"Then you will do it as my prisoners!" declared Grindelwald, raising his wand. " _Expelliarmus!_ "

Newt's wand was knocked out of his hand. Tina raised hers at Grindelwald.

" _Expelliarmus!_ " said Mole, and Tina's wand flew out of her hand as well.

Nagini didn't do anything because she's a pointless character, and no one noticed her anyway.

Meanwhile, Grindelwald raised his wand and cast a spell that tied up Newt, Tina, and Jacob. Using side-along Apparition, he and Mole left with their prisoners, leaving behind Nagini, whom they hadn't noticed at all. In fact, we've forgotten about her already, and this here is the last time Nagini will ever be mentioned in this story.

By the way, it turns out that Newt would #StandWithMaya if he was living in 2019. This is canon now.


	26. The Conversation of Queenie and Credence

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, and by "ranch" we mean Grindelwald's dark castle of death, Queenie and Credence were chatting amiably about their former lives back in New York.

"Did you ever go to the movies?" asked Credence, whom we haven't seen for a while because Ezra Miller was busy playing the Flash.

"All the time!" Queenie gushed. "I can tell you that I saw _The Sheik_ at least twelve times!"

"Ma Barebone wouldn't let us see that one," said Credence. "She said it was quite sinful."

"Oh, it is!" said Queenie with a giggle.

"Well, Ma Barebone was very strict about what movies she thought were 'wholesome' enough for us to see. If it didn't have Mary Pickford or Lillian Gish in it, we didn't see it. Do wizards often go to the movies?"

"No!" Vinda interjected. "And I feel I should mention that we had moving pictures long before the _Non-Magiques_ did!"

"But it's incredible what the No-Majs have accomplished without magic!" Queenie replied. "Granted, I haven't gone to the movies much since Valentino died. Douglas Fairbanks just isn't the same."

"Then you probably haven't seen _The Jazz Singer_ ," said Credence. "The movies talk now!"

"No kidding!" exclaimed Queenie. "Did you hear that, Vinda? The No-Majs are almost getting more advanced than us wizards!"

Seething, Vinda cast another Cruciatus Curse at Abernathy, whom she used as a scapegoat for whenever she got the urge to torture Queenie or Credence. Abernathy was okay with this because it turns out he had low self-esteem as a result of losing a game of Wizard's Chess to his little sister when he was ten years old. This is canon now.


	27. Grindelwald Brings the Prisoners

Just then, the door burst open, and in walked Grindelwald, followed by Mole and our captive cavaliers. By the way, it turns out even Grindelwald wasn't evil enough to not eat his veggies. This is canon now.

"Oh, thank goodness you're back!" exclaimed Vinda. "I was just about to kill Abernathy!"

"She ain't lyin'," said Abernathy, who was still lying in pain on the floor.

"And _then_ I wouldn't have anyone to torture!" Vinda added. " _Please_ tell me I can kill our new prisoners!"

"Well, you can't kill Scamander," Grindelwald replied. "We need him to find the Toenail of Icklibõgg for us."

"And you're not killing my sister or my sweet babboo!" Queenie added.

"I'm not your sweet babboo!" yelled Jacob.

"Isn't he the cutest thing?" said Queenie, speaking directly to the camera for some reason.

"You can kill me, Grindelwald," Newt declared gallantly, "because I'll never help you murder the world's fantastic beasts!"


	28. Grindelwald Has An Evil Idea

"All right!" declared Vinda, raising her wand to kill Newt.

"No, wait!" said Grindelwald, holding up his hand. "I have an idea. Vinda, come with me. We're taking Scamander and the Auror to the chamber of pain."

"My favorite room!" Vinda exclaimed, clapping and jumping with glee. By the way, it turns out Vinda is only evil because society oppressed her for being queer. This is canon now.

"You're not going to kill my sister, are you?!" Queenie demanded to know.

"That depends on whether I receive cooperation," Grindelwald answered. "Meanwhile, we're leaving the Muggle here with you to do with as you wish."

"Okay, that's fair," said Queenie, eyeing Jacob with a smile.

"Um, could I go to the chamber of pain instead?" asked Jacob.

"Of course not, silly," said Queenie, latching onto him. "You'll be safe here with me!"

"Don't worry, we'll get you out of this, Jacob," Newt vowed heroically as he and Tina were led out of the room.


	29. Newt's Heroic Choice

Grindelwald and Vinda brought Newt and Tina into the chamber of pain, which was a chamber in which pain occurred. That would be a good thing if the pain was going to be done to Grindelwald and Vinda, who definitely deserved it, but instead, it was going to be inflicted on our gallant heroes!

By the way, it turns out even Grindelwald wasn't evil enough to not wash his hands after going to the bathroom. This is canon now.

"Go ahead and torture me to death!" Newt declared stoutheartedly. "I'll never join you!"

"But it's not you who will be tortured to death," said Grindelwald, grinning iniquitously. "It's your girlfriend." And with that, he pointed his wand at Tina!

Newt gasped. "She's not my girlfriend!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Definitely not!" Tina agreed.

"I'm sorry, did we catch you between one of your numerous break-ups?" asked Grindelwald perniciously.

"We haven't broken up that often!" Newt replied. "Just... seven times over... the past three months..."

"It's eight times, actually," said Tina.

"No, it's seven. That polka incident doesn't count."

"Well, I think it should count."

"ENOUGH!" roared Grindelwald. "The point is, either she dies or you help us!"

"If you're asking me to choose between fantastic beasts and the woman I love," said Newt, "then I choose the beasts!"


	30. Credence, the Third Wheel

Meanwhile, in that room we were in earlier, Queenie was coming on to Jacob. By the way, it turns out that Queenie later becomes Rita Skeeter. This is canon now.

"I've killed nineteen No-Majs in order to be with you again," she said, leaning in to kiss him. "Are you ready for us to get back together?"

"No!" said Jacob, pushing her away.

"So, how many more No-Majs is it gonna take?" she asked.

"Uh... none!"

"So, you're ready to get back together with me then?"

"NO!" yelled Jacob.

"Well, now you're just sending me mixed messages, sweetie," said Queenie.

"Don't worry," Credence assured him. "Queenie really likes you, and Grindelwald is actually good. I know, because he told me."

"Grindelwald lied to you," replied Jacob.

"But why would he lie if he were good?" asked Credence credulously.

"Credence," said Queenie, through gritted teeth, "why don't you join Grindelwald and Vinda in the chamber of pain?"

"No, stay here, Credence!" begged Jacob.

"I don't see why I should listen to you," said Credence, turning to leave, "after that horrible thing you just said about my wonderful master."


	31. Credence's Interruption

Back in the chamber of pain, Vinda was cackling with glee as she hit Tina with another Cruciatus Curse. Newt couldn't look. He hated seeing Tina tortured because he loved her and wanted to kiss her and do other things to her that we can't mention in a story with a "K+" rating. But when he thought about how her sacrifice would ensure that Mooncalves would be there to frolic about for future generations, he felt certain that he was making the right choice.

"Torture her all you want," he declared bravely, "but I'll still never join you!"

"You're killing me, Romeo," said Tina.

"Literally!" chuckled Vinda, raising her wand again.

But at that very moment, Credence burst into the room. "Yo, what's up?" he asked cheerfully.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, CREDENCE!" yelled Vinda, pointing her wand at him.

"Vinda!" said Grindelwald. "We don't talk that way to my asset - I mean, the son I never had." By the way, it turns out Grindelwald is a still-living Salazar Slytherin. This is canon now.

"Hey, why do you have Tina chained to that rack?" asked Credence. "Is this a game? I like games!"

" _Can you make him leave?_ " asked Vinda, through gritted teeth.

"No, I have a better idea," said Grindelwald. "Come here, my boy."


	32. Credence Sings Again

"What do you want with me, sir?" asked Credence, stepping forward.

"I was just thinking about your wonderful singing," said Grindelwald. "Maybe you could do it right now for our guests."

"Are you sure about that?" said Credence. "They are your enemies. Do they really deserve to hear my singing?"

"Yes, they do!" Vinda declared emphatically. And then, she quickly slipped out of the room. By the way, it turns out Vinda only likes opera music. This is canon now.

"I endeavor to be a gracious host, even to my enemies," lied Grindelwald, smiling evilly. "If the quality of your singing has an effect on my prisoners, that's just something I'll have to live with."

And with that, Credence loudly sang, "I want to know where I came from, and this is not dumb, at least I think it's not! Can I have a... pot?"

Grindelwald and Tina both cringed at the awkward lyrics and off-key singing, but Newt beamed.

"That was really good, Credence," he said good-naturedly. "You should work on developing your talent."

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed Grindelwald.

But just then, the door burst open, and in came... Theseus Scamander!


	33. Theseus to the Rescue

"Theseus, what are you doing here?" asked Newt in dismay.

"That is no way to greet your valiant rescuer!" Theseus replied. By the way, it turns out Theseus later becomes Crookshanks. This is canon now.

Anyway, Theseus turned his wand on Grindelwald and boldly proclaimed, "Stand aside, foul villain!"

"I will not!" said Grindelwald, raising his wand.

"And he's not a villain either!" added Credence. "I'll have you know that Grindelwald is actually nice!"

"This wicked villain has hoodwinked you!" declared Theseus. "Come with me to freedom!"

"No, I won't let you trick me!" said Credence, raising his wand as well.

And with that, all three of them began to fight. Or more precisely, Grindelwald and Theseus fought while Credence stood awkwardly off to the side, waiting for a chance to get in a curse. Newt ran to Tina and unchained her.

"We've got to get out of here!" he told her.

"But we don't have our wands," said Tina.

"Never mind that now," said Newt. "We've got to do what we can to help Jacob!"

Unarmed but unafraid, Newt and Tina bolted heroically for the door.


	34. Newt Escapes, But Tina Doesn't

But they forgot that Tina still had those antlers that Grimmson had cursed her with. Newt made it through the door, but Tina's antlers hit the doorframe and threw her back into the room.

" _Colloportus!_ " said Grindelwald, and the door slammed shut before Tina could even get to her feet. By the way, it turns out even Grindelwald wasn't evil enough to spread misinformation during the Spanish flu pandemic. This is canon now.

"NO!" yelled Newt. He ran to the door and tried to pull it open, but it was useless. He couldn't open it without a wand.

He turned to see Vinda lying on the floor where Theseus had stunned her. Newt snuck up to her to get her wand. Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you're rooting for the forces of evil for some reason), she woke up at exactly the wrong moment.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!" asked Vinda, just before Newt could grasp her wand.

"Um..." he said. "I should think that would be obvious."

" _Flipendo!_ " she hollered, sending Newt flying across the room. Just as soon as he got to his feet, Vinda was raising her wand again. " _Avada Kedavra!_ " she yelled.

Still being wandless, Newt had no choice but to duck and run.


	35. The Most Important Chapter Yet

Meanwhile, far away from the plot, Nicolas Flamel was having tea with Yusuf Kama.

"It is sad to live for so long," said Nicolas. "I had to watch all my friends die."

"But you could have kept them alive," Yusuf pointed out. "Why didn't you?" By the way, it turns out Yusuf later de-ages and becomes Dean Thomas. This is canon now.

"Well, I want this immortality thing to be for me and my wife," Nicolas explained. "If I just shared it with everyone, it wouldn't be special anymore."

"I suppose."

"Actually, I originally only intended it for myself, but I got quite an earful from Perenelle when she found out I planned to let her expire at the end of her natural lifespan. Women, am I right?"

You may be wondering what this scene has to do with Newt's exciting adventure. The answer is nothing. These characters are entirely superfluous to the rest of the story, and this chapter had no point whatsoever.

Happy April Fool's Day!


	36. Who Can Save Newt Now?

Back in the actual story, Newt found himself cornered in a dead end. It looked like it was all over for our stalwart hero, but then, Dumbledore suddenly Apparated in. He was wearing a kimono because it turns out Dumbledore has been Japanese all along and it just hasn't been mentioned. This is canon now.

"Banzai!" cried Dumbledore, driving Vinda off with his magical katana.

"What are you doing here, sir?" asked Newt.

"I should think that would be self-evident," Dumbledore answered. "Theseus and I came here to rescue you."

"But how did you know something went wrong with our mission?"

"When you were taken from the lost city," said Dumbledore, "someone was left behind, someone you may not even remember was there."

"What are you talking about?" asked Newt. If someone besides himself, Tina, and Jacob had been on their epic quest, it was new to him.

Dumbledore just smiled and held up his hand. Standing there was Pickett!


	37. Escape from Nurmengard Castle

Just then, Theseus came up the hall, pulling a struggling Credence.

"Namaste," said Dumbeldore, with his palms pressed together and a bow of the head. It turns out Dumbledore has been Desi all along and it just hasn't been mentioned. This is canon now.

"The foul villain eventually overwhelmed me for he possesses the Elder Wand," said Theseus, "but I did apprehend the boy!"

"Where's Tina?" asked Newt.

"I am sorry, dear brother, but I could only rescue one."

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE RESCUED TINA!" Newt shouted.

"No, Theseus is right," said Dumbledore. "Rescuing Credence is more important for our quest."

And with that, Dumbledore and Theseus Apparated away, taking Newt and Credence with them.


	38. Back to Newt's House

The fearless foursome Apparated into Newt's sitting room, where Bunty was waiting for them.

"Newt, you're back!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "Where's Tina? Did she die?"

"No, she's alive," said Newt, "but Grindelwald has her."

"Aw, that's a shame," replied Bunty. "That Grindelwald has her, I mean! Not that she's still alive. But if you need a new female companion, I was voted most likely to defeat Dark Lords out of my Hogwarts class of 1919."

"We must go back for Tina!" said Newt, turning to Dumbledore. By the way, Dumbledore was holding a Nguni shield because it turns out he's been Zulu all along and it just hasn't been mentioned. This is canon now.

"I'm afraid that's quite out of the question," Dumbledore answered. "You and Theseus must follow up on the next clue, and bring Credence with you. He must be converted to the good side."

"Is it true what Grindelwald says about me?" asked Credence. "Am I really your brother?"

"A good question... for another time," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. And then, he Disapparated.


	39. Credence Gets Confused

Newt sighed. "As much as I'd like to rescue Tina, we must do as Dumbledore says."

"So, it's just like us with Grindelwald?" asked Credence. "You do whatever your master says?"

"No, no, it's not like that at all!" Newt insisted. "We support Dumbledore out of loyalty and because we know he's always right!"

"That's exactly why we support Grindelwald," Credence replied. "I guess the two sides aren't so different after all."

"I think there are a few differences!" said Newt indignantly.

Credence considered it. "Now that I think of it, you're right. In the short time that I've been with Grindelwald, we've never left one of our people in the hands of the enemy. Grindelwald even went back for Abernathy when he was escaping from MACUSA. I guess your side doesn't do that sort of thing, huh?"

"Great job converting him to the good side," said Theseus sarcastically. By the way, it turns out Theseus is a Metamorphmagus. This is canon now.

"Oh, shut up!" Newt answered.


	40. Jacob in Great Peril

Meanwhile, following a recycled establishing shot of Grindelwald's castle, Queenie was still coming on to Jacob.

"C'mon, let's get back together," she said, playfully grabbing him by his tie. "There's nothing standing in the way of our love now, sweetie-pie!"

"You mean _your_ love!" Jacob answered.

"If you're not in love with me, then why did we elope to England?" asked Queenie as she worked her way up to his face.

"BECAUSE YOU DRUGGED ME!"

"Well, if you'd agreed to marry me, I wouldn't have had to drug you, now would I?" she said, puckering up to kiss him. But before she could, Grindelwald and Vinda burst into the room with Tina.

"Oh, thank goodness!" muttered Jacob.

By the way, it turns out Jacob uses a wheelchair, and it's just never been mentioned. This is canon now.


	41. Where's Newt?

"Where's Newt?" Jacob demanded to know. "What have you done to him?"

"Unfortunately, your courageous comrade managed to escape," Grindelwald explained heinously. "We've searched the whole castle, but we couldn't find him anywhere. He must have fled."

"You're lying!" declared Jacob. "Newt would never abandon his friends! I don't believe that!"

"I believe it," said Tina darkly, "especially if he encountered some hurt Doxy, and then he just _had_ to take it home to nurse it back to health."

Jacob sighed. "Tina, are you ever going to get over that Doxy incident? It may have resulted in Newt standing you up on your date that one time, but you must agree that it was for a good cause."

"It was our anniversary!" Tina replied. "Besides, he could have left the Doxy with Bunty."

"Weren't you listening when he explained how the Doxy wouldn't have survived without his personal involvement?"

"SHUT UP!" Vinda interrupted at the top of her lungs. "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID DRAMA!"

By the way, it turns out Vinda was bitten by a Doxy when she was little, and this whole conversation was actually giving her traumatic flashbacks. This is canon now.


	42. Queenie Complains

"Uh, sir?" said Queenie, raising a hand in objection. "You said you'd leave me alone with Jacob. Are we no longer doing that?"

"I'm afraid I can't allow that at the moment," Grindelwald replied perfidiously, and Jacob fist pumped.

"Why nooooooot?!" whined Queenie.

"Now that Scamander has escaped, your sister and the Muggle are my only links to his expertise. We'll need their help to find the Toenail of Icklibõgg."

"We'll never help you!" declared Jacob. "There's no way you can make us!" By the way, it turns out Jacob doesn't consider trans women to be women and neither should you. This is canon now.

"If you won't help me," said Grindelwald transishly, "then I suppose the alternative is to just leave you here with Queenie."

Jacob considered that. "Exactly what kind of help are we talking about here?"


	43. Credence Runs Away

At Newt's house that night, Credence couldn't sleep. He had been given the guest bedroom, but he just sat at the window, staring out at the very expensive CGI version of 1920s London. As he always did whenever he felt conflicted, Credence made the terrible decision to put his thoughts into song.

"Grindelwald says he's good," Credence sang plaintively, "but Newt says Dumbledore's good. I wish I knew who was really good. I wish I could rhyme something with good other than good. Maybe... wood?"

With sudden determination, Credence stood up and turned to walk through the house dramatically.

"I must know who I am," he sang at the top of his lungs, "and find who is my fam! Then I can push a pram while I eat ham, with jaaaaaaamm!"

By now, his annoying singing had woken up all the neighbors. Outside, people screamed in agony, and a random car crash occurred, all due to Credence's off-key singing. But somehow, Newt did not wake up.

By the way, it turns out that if Newt were living in 2020, he would be totally opposed to cancel culture. This is canon now.

"My answer is not here, inside of Newt's lair," sang Credence, as he strode up to Newt's front door. "I must go out there, but I don't know where. Then I can eat a pear while riding a mare and think of something else that rhymes with... theeeeeerre!"

And with that, Credence stepped out the door. After that, he had to dodge all the people throwing rotten tomatoes at him, but he still managed to get away.


	44. Newt Looks For Everybody

Fortunately, Newt woke up the next day. Not that it was likely that he would die in his sleep or anything, but surely, you agree it's fortunate that nothing like that ended up happening. But unfortunately, it seemed like everyone else had gone. Well, everyone except Bunty, but she doesn't count or something.

"Where's Theseus?" Newt asked her. By the way, it turns out Bunty is actually a young Professor Grubbly-Plank. This is canon now.

"Oh, he set off for Crete this morning," she said. "He said to let you sleep in after all you've been through. He also made some cookies for you before he left. They're in the shape of hippogriffs."

Newt tried one, heroically. "Extra sugary, just the way I like 'em. Darn it, why does he have to be so... perfect?"

"I think you're perfect, Newt," said Bunty infatuatedly. "Well, except that you wear _way_ too many clothes. Don't get me wrong, I like a man in a suit, but I would like to see what you've got under it now and them. On the other hand, not letting me see it does build up a certain intrigue, so... well played, sir."

"I just don't understand why he took Credence with him," said Newt, not listening to whatever Bunty was babbling on about.

"Credence?" asked Bunty. "He didn't take Credence. Isn't Credence still in bed?"

"No, I just checked the guest bedroom. He's not there."

"Then where could he be?" asked Bunty.


End file.
